I have my reputation to think of, here

About a year ago, a friend of mine came back from six months in the States, and one of the first things she said to me was, "Beck, have you been writing erotica and publishing it on the web?" Apparently she read a story entitled "Leather and whips and chains, oh my!" and immediately thought of me. I guess it's a compliment - and in all fairness, if I was going to write a bondage story, it's not entirely inconceivable that I'd title it something like that. Or maybe a bondage musical ...

I would flog and whip and beat you
From the moment that I met you
If I onlyyyyy had a whip - du du, du du, du du.

I'd use pegs, ropes, pins and paddles
I would hit you til you're addled
If I onlyyyyy had a whip - du du, du du, du du.

I'd wear heels and I'd wear leather
Latex clothes in any weather
If I onlyyyyyy had a whip - du du, du du, du du.

Yeah, I can sort of see that working. Actually, I can sort of see it as a duet - the hot, leather-clad mistress-y type (no gingham for my Dorothy) and the grovelling submissive type (a bit of a Cowardly lion):

I would like you to castrate me
Take my balls, humiliate me
If you onlyyyyy had a whip - du du, du du, du du

Expect to see updates to this as inspiration continues to strike.

Anyhow, this comes up because last night I got on the phone to a friend and, as tends to happen, we talked about a wide variety of things, from whether or not I should offer a paper to the gender studies seminar series this year, to treating cabs as confessionals, to how to cook sponge cake, and eventually to sex work. We got to talking about this place which offers apprenticeships, and how that kind of structured learning would work in that kind of industry.

Five minutes of musing later, she turns around and says to me "Oh! That reminds me, you were in my dream yesterday!"

"Oh, really?"

It seems that my raised eyebrows carry over into my voice, as she says "Noooooo, Beck, it wasn't like that."

"Well, what was it like?"

"Well, you know I was reading about the dominatrices yesterday - and then last night, I had this dream that I'd opened a dungeon, and I was doing all mistress-y things, which is odd, because you know I don't like to top, but I guess dreams are like that, and anyhow, I dreamt that you were there."

(And you, and you, Aunty Em - see, Wizard of Oz really is some kinky shit).

The point is, though, that I've somehow picked up this odd, and fairly unfounded reputation. I'm yet to publish any erotica on the web - much less the fairly comprehensive ouevre that my friend (flatteringly) credited me with. I didn't even make that sci-fi porno I (half) scripted. And, okay, so I know some fun things to do with pegs - but I'm certainly not the person to turn to for sex advice when you're in actual relationships. All I'll do is tell you to talk to your partner - and then tell everyone I know what you asked me (even publish it on the web, for the whole world to see - 'Beck, it really is a purely physical relationship ... but is it just me, or is he no good in bed?"). At least I can rest assured that I don't know more about porn that my straight engo mates with broadband internet connections ... even if we do swap links sometimes.